- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
- I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
- War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.
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