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onsdag den 10. august 2011

When life deals You Lemons.....

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.

"Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.

He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more,

"I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

"Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.

Lidt pilot humor...

Faldt over denne her på en anden blog og blev nødt til at "låne den...


Top Things You Don't Want to Overhear Over an Airline P.A. System

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

7. I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Don't worry! That one is always on E...

13. Get the parachutes ready...

lørdag den 6. august 2011

Men' s rules.....

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are OUR rules:
Please note… these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Saturday = sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

* Subtle hints do not work!
* Strong hints do not work!
* Obvious hints do not work!
* JUST SAY IT!

1. ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine, Really

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as:

* Sex,
* Sport,
* Cars,
* or Computers

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don’t mind that, it’s like campin

Hvor er det sandt...

- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house faster than the police.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others... whenever they go.
- I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
- War does not determine who is right. It determines who is left.

Skulle man prøve at gøre det samme i Bilka.....?

Endelig en mand, som gør opmærksom på at vi ikke gider med ud og shoppe...
Tror nok liiiige at han bliver bedt om at blive hjemme næste gang..

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

tirsdag den 19. juli 2011

10 rules for dating my daughter....

Selvom min datter kun er godt 2 år, så kan jeg jo lige så godt forberede mig på livet, som far for en teenage datter.

Jeg fandt disse 10 simple men effektive regler..
Overvejer om de skal lamineres og sættes på fordøren, så snart hun bliver teenager....

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine

Et par gode råd fra en ægtemand.....

Jeg faldt lige over nedenstående "læserbrev".
Som ægtemand kan man jo kun nikke forstående til de problemstillinger, som manden må gå igennem. :)

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terry.

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terry to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am,
she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.

I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable.
I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining, I think?
For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard.
I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.
I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terry.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article,

I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
Signed,
Jim


EDITOR'S NOTE: 
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum.
The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Terry was arrested and charged with murder.
The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

lørdag den 16. juli 2011

Hvor er Ball trøjerne blevet af...?

80'erne....!
Sikke en æra. Og hvor var det fedt at være barn/ung i 80'erne.
Meget af det, som var sejt den gang, er bare SÅÅÅÅ kikset idag.
Og dog..... En ting bør og skal genopstå........
De legendariske Ball trøjer...
Hvor var de fede...

Men hvor er de nu....?
Jeg har googlet og googlet og det tætteste, jeg er kommet på et resultat, var at nogle nordmænd ville relancere det. Men firmaet nu gået konkurs. 

Den første person som skaffer mig en trøje, vinder et Commodore 64 spil.....:)

lørdag den 4. juni 2011

Livet er......

Husk at leve livet hver dag....

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming 
" WOW! - What a Ride!"